In January of 2005, my life changed forever. I had gone from being with someone for 13 years to now, in a matter of months, being seperated. The process of a divorce began and before I knew it, after 15 years of being with one person I was now a divorced, single mom living in a world that had grown ever increasingly strange to me. I was unequipped to cope with my new life and I found this to be extremely debilitating. I had considered myself a strong person, after all, I had overcome sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, and even mental abuse; this should not be difficult. But it was. It was the most difficult thing I believe I had ever experienced.
I found myself walking around announcing to the world that I was divorced. The need to share such information stemmed from the fact that I felt as though I had a neon sign on my forehead flashing the word ‘divorced’ to all that I encountered. I wasn’t raised to believe in divorce, who really is? My parents, at this point, had been married for 35 years and my sister had been married to her high school sweetheart for 14 years. How could I, as the oldest sibling, now set the example? I became lost, ashamed, and felt I no longer had an identity or even that now my identity was my divorce. Was this going to be the one thing in my life that now defined me?
Life became mundane; morning rituals, work, home again, evening rituals, and then cry myself to sleep. I went from sleeping on a bed to sleeping on a couch. Not because I didn’t have a bed but because I didn’t want to be in my bed. The bed was big and it was just a reminder to me that I was alone. My family lives out of state. My friends felt they had to chose between my ex and myself thus all friendships ended. I attended a church with members exceeding 3,000, probably more than that, yet had no connections outside of one. This one became my life support but because she was single and not yet a mother, there would be moments as though I felt I’d been taken off life support.
In August of 2007, more than two years later, I realized that I allowed myself to fall into a rut. I had relied on the fact that people would get me through and I had walked away from all that I had known and believed in. A rut often occurs in our life when we’re not willing to accept the change and when we’re not seeking help to support us through the change. I read in Hebrews 12:2, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” and my epiphany came. I had lost faith in me, in Him, and had allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, squandering the years, the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds of my life. What a waste! My perspective needed a new point of view and it was found in Hebrews 13:6 “I am to say with GREAT confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.” People are not my life support. I am not alone nor was I ever alone!
In an instant, my faith had found its resting place. I realized that my life wasn’t over; a new beginning had just begun. I had a hope and a destiny that was, and still is, awaiting me. I had a choice, I could allow life to pass me by or I could allow myself to live life. “The path of the [uncompromisingly] just and righteous is like the light of dawn that shines more and more (brighter and clearer) until [it reaches its full strength and glory in] the perfect day…” (Proverbs 4:18, AMP). I’m exceptional and extraordinary! My future is exceptional, and yes, even extraordinary! Therefore, I choose to stand. I continue to keep standing in faith, daily, declaring victory over my future and the promises of God over my life. Moving forward into the bright and extraordinary future that is yet awaiting me; I was and I am still 18 months later, coming back to life!
Eliza Hewitt wrote in 1891: My faith has found a resting place, not in device or creed; I trust the ever-living One, His wounds for me shall plead. I need no other argument, I need no other plea, It is enough that Jesus died, and that He died for me.
“I take a breath and I’m alive, feels like for the first time I have seen You through these eyes. Everything I used to be, that lived inside of me is gone, for the last time. I remember everything I’ve done but You’ve forgiven each and everyone. (Chorus) And I’m coming back to life. I’m living inside. All of my fears are far behind. I’m coming back to life. I found what I need. And it’s You Lord, I know that it’s You that brings me back to life. I’ve searched the world just for a sign, hoping I could find someone who could change a heart like mine. I read the stories of your life, the miracles and signs, you turned my water into wine. It’s so much easier knowing you are here. And all the doubts at once seem to disappear. (Chorus) And I’m coming back to life. I’m living inside. All of my fears are far behind. I’m coming back to life. I found what I need. And it’s you Lord, I know that it’s you. (Bridge:) My feet are dancing, my heart is crying out for you. So take my life I’m giving it to you! (Chorus) I’m coming back to life. I’m living inside. All of my fears are far behind. I’m coming back to life. I found what I need. Lord, it’s you! Yes it’s you!”
Artist: Echoing Angels
Album: You Alone
Song: Coming Back to Life