Scum Sucker

Scum Sucker

Scum Sucker

I’ve been reading a book, Hiding from Love, which I’m not enjoying. Do not misunderstand me, it’s a great book so long as you don’t mind slicing your insides open, tearing all your organs out and digging around for something from long ago that you stored away deeper than the darkest  places in your basement. Which in turn leaves you utterly exposed to infestations and discovering some unknown disease you’ve had lying dormant… like an old wound that you assumed was healed only to find out it had slowly been leaking fungus and scum in your very blood stream, eating away your cells of life.

It would be nice in times like this if we could have a bottom feeder (algae eater) – you know, one of those fish in the tank that goes around the bottom sucking up all the crap that all the other fish dumped so that the waters are clean. Seriously, the scum within me is obviously what others have dumped there, why must I be my own scum sucker?

I dropped my basket of eggs the other day. It is not the first time, just the first time in a very long time. I wasn’t nice to someone. I told that person that I didn’t like them and that they made my skin crawl. What a horrible thing to say to someone! Me, of all people, knowing what words do to a person made a choice to let such horrific words roll off my tongue and out of my mouth.

When I share my life experiences and testimony with people, I often hear the words, “you’re such a strong person”. Let me assure you, I am not strong… it is He that is within me that is strong and I recognize that without Him I would not be here today. Yet somehow, in hearing these words you are strong, I have found them to be a burden. I am grateful that people find strength in my strength but it’s as if once people see your character as strength, you are never allowed to be weak. We, as humans, are a judgmental people. You can fail but don’t ever expect us to look at you the same again. Thus, few have seen my basket of eggs fall. {Yes, I realize that this is stating that I worry what people think. Who doesn’t? The object is to worry less (not at all) about the peoples view of me and more about God’s views of me.}

Life experience has brainwashed me into thinking in order to keep up the appearance of being strong I must suffer in silence or avoid suffering at all. Happy Pj pretending life is grand when in actuality, life sucks {side note: this is where I sigh and shake my head because once again I have to take a time out to remind you that I am not a living and walking contradiction – circumstances in life do suck – it’s our attitude that determines if it will remain in a sucky state or not}. In order for me to avoid the suffering, I usually tuck it away in that spot that is the deepest, darkest, and furthest away that I can possibly place it so that I can be on my merry way. I do not have time to deal with crap.

I realized the reason I said those words to that person is the fact that I was so very raw with emotions. That person had a made a choice which in turn, in my mind, is a reflection on me. That person made their choice some time ago and though suspicious, I had never dealt with the circumstance at hand. It became one of those things that I chose to tuck away in the basement of my life and now it was coming around to bite me in the butt. I had never verbalized my feelings, to anyone, and on this day I could be strong no more – I dropped my basket and the tears came pouring… you know how Niagara Falls is the most powerful water fall in North America because it drops over 6 million cubic feet of water in a minute… I had that beat on this day.

Now here I am, left with this fungus infestation, trying to determine if I really have to suck the scum of if I can get by with an occasional cleaning. However, I cannot merely just suck it up though, can I? No. Now that I am faced with the infection, bringing it out of the basement and into the light, I must cut and cauterize those wounds, digging out infection so that I can heal and become strong again. There is a reason why I’m not a surgeon!

When day is done, it’s going to come down to forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love and my strength will be restored. It just means that for today – perhaps several days, weeks, or even months – I’m going to have to be a scum sucker.

There’s a peace I’ve come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There’s an anchor for my soul, I can say, it is well. There’s a day that’s drawing near, when this darkness breaks to light and shadows disappear. My faith shall be my eyes.

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won; He is risen from the dead. And I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagle’s wings, before my God, fall on my knees and rise, I will rise.

Copyright by reflectionsbypj 2009/09/19

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7 thoughts on “Scum Sucker

  1. Yeah, you’re welcome for introducing you to the book… Ha! What I kept thinking as I read this amazing blog is that your strength is precisely in the fact that you can open yourself up to others and be vulnerable, even though it is terribly painful. Strength comes in facing our pain and dealing with the infection – not in denying that we have it to begin with. So those tears and even the horrible words you said (which I still don’t think were nearly as bad as what you could have said and therefore pretty mild to me) are simply further proof that you are allowing God to work in your life and make you into exactly who He has called you to be. You are amazing, my friend!

  2. I was looking forward to reading this book. It was recommended by someone I know. Now, I’m not so sure :/ I don’t know if I can handle any more “therapy”.

  3. you’re definitely stronger than me, that’s for sure! i could never open up like that. praying for you and hope to see your year turn around and great things happen.

  4. I will let one of my favorite authors say what I think needs to be said…

    “Repentance, not proper behavior or even holiness, is the doorway to grace. And the opposite of sin is grace, not virtue.”

    “The proof of spiritual maturity is not how “pure” you are but awareness of your impurity. That very awareness opens the door to grace.”

    Philip Yancy

  5. Penny you are amazing. How you can be so open and real is such a rare gift. Makes me look inside and see the need for scum suckers, got any to spare? I think I saw a shop that rents them down the road. Cheaper by the dozen. I think I need to load up. I believe most of us are in need but like you said we put on the happy face, pretend, play the game, avoid the wounds, and never allow the scum suckers to clean up the messes. Thanks for being real, may God richly Bless you.

  6. Once again, well written! You are truly a blessing!! I am always very excited to see you have posted a new blog entry and can’t wait to read it, because I know that it is from your heart and very real and I will be blessed by reading it!

  7. Pingback: One Night Stand or Commitment « Reflections by Pj

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