Doctors Orders

doctors orders

Several months ago I had to see a specialist (note – a specialist) because Aunt Flo had become a real pain in the-you-know-what.  The specialist informed me that before any type of diagnosis could be made, I needed to have all the normal tests performed – blood work, ultrasound, etc.  The results came in and the specialist decided to give me a strong dose of antibiotics.  She told me to return in three months in hopes that the antibiotics would take care of the issue.  Before the appointment was over, I was asked a series of questions:  1) do you have a “partner”? – No, I’m still waiting for a real man to be found; 2) Are you sexually active? – hmm, no partner, not active…  (I’m practically a nun!) and so the questions came, all on this subject of sex or the lack of.  

Since that appointment, Aunt Flo has stopped being so annoying; however Mr. and Mrs. Hormone have decided to move in and throw a party and their friends keep walking in and out, slamming the screen door.   So I went to my three month follow up and the outcome of that appointment was so weird that I told my friends, who insisted it was too colorful a story to keep to myself.  They begged me to write a blog…  So where do I even begin? 

At my follow up appointment, the specialist mentioned that my blood pressure was a little high, but nothing to worry about.  Why even mention it?  She was also concerned that I had lost thirteen pounds since my initial visit.  We discussed my issues with Aunt Flo and I was glad to report that things were better.  She couldn’t understand why Aunt Flo had just stopped being so annoying, so she asked me if I’d stopped being sexually active. Um, hello lady, remember me, the nun?  

She continued with how odd it was, so I reminded her of the antibiotic treatment she gave me.  I thought that was documented in my chart, however apparently thinking for myself was my first mistake.  Is this lady on drugs?  I proceeded to inform her that I do have another concern now – my new roommates, Mr. and Mrs. Hormone, as they seem to have bought a ton of baggage with them, such as fatigue and lack of energy.  I asked her if it was normal considering all that is on my plate presently.

At that point, she informed me that I’m depressed.  I was quick to let her know I am not depressed, and having suffered through years of depression I’d know if I were depressed.  I’m not depressed!  She then decided that I’m in denial, which caused my hairs to stand on end.  I am NOT in denial about not being depressed!

If she would have listened to all my symptoms before she started talking depression, I could’ve told her that fatigue and lack of energy are not my only problems.  When I finally got the chance to speak again, I told her that I plucked my chin hairs on Saturday and today is only Tuesday and I have full beard again!  That’s when she decided to tell me that I must stop plucking as it triggers the hairs to grow…  (I’ve been plucking since I was a teenager, one or two here and there, but never a beard!) 

Her next advice was that I should invest in some sort of tool that will clip the hairs for me, and that the tool would also be good for landscaping – which my partner would probably enjoy.  You’ve got to be kidding me!  So I AGAIN informed her that I do not – I DO NOT – have a partner!  As if she didn’t hear a word I said, she continued without missing a beat, stating that I should consider some sort of laser treatment.  I’m not here for beauty advice!  What about the hormone issue???  I politely explained that given my financial situation and full-time college student status, laser treatments are not an option.  

We then moved on to my nightly hot flashes and how they’d increased from only happening at night to now occurring occasionally during the day.  She informed me that I’m not having hot flashes; I’m too young to have hot flashes.  She sees far too many women my age that are dealing with this very issue when in fact, if we would just stop stressing and turn our minds off when we went to bed, we wouldn’t have this issue.  However, she then said in the same breath that it could be the medications I’m currently taking.  So is it possible that I’m having hot flashes or not?

I informed her that I’m not taking any medications and she said, “Yes, I’m sure you are.  Let’s go through them.”  Um…  Ibuprofen and Excedrin, which I don’t think count as medications, and that’s all.  She agreed that those are not considered medications (duh), however my vitamins (which are probably causing my increased blood pressure) are.  Huh?  Dumb-founded, I asked her what vitamins she’s talking about.  I don’t take vitamins.  Apparently these vitamins I should be taking that might give me hot flashes are a serious issue. 

She then wanted to talk about my life, my day to day activities for the past three days… literally, when I slept, how long I slept, when I got up, what I did when I got up, what I ate, when I ate, what I drank, when I drank, how many times I went to the bathroom, if I had flatulence, if I could smell the flatulence…  She wrote all THIS information on my chart (that was apparently missing the antibiotic treatment from last time). 

After the inquisition, she told me I need to stay off the sugar because it probably has a lot to do with my fatigue.  (I’d had one bowl of frozen yogurt three days prior.)  Confused AGAIN, I asked her what sugars besides the yogurt and an apple?  She didn’t bother to answer that question and went back to her strong feelings that I’m depressed and in denial.  Apparently she finally acknowledged that I don’t have a sexual partner and proceeded to tell me that if I found myself a partner that would help with my depression!  Do you think God would allow fornication if it was on doctor’s orders?  Oh, and I should also increase my walking from twice a week to five times a week (but don’t lose any more weight.)   

At that point, I decided I’m DONE.  I informed her that I disagree and would like to have blood work taken first before she tried to get me on anti-depressants.  After much convincing, we headed to the lab where they did more tests.  Three tubes of blood later, she informed me that we really need to do all of these again when Aunt Flo comes back, preferably on the third day of her visit.  You’ve got to be kidding me!

Okay, just so we’re clear on what I need to do to achieve maximum health and happiness…

 1)  To prevent annoyances from Aunt Flo, NO MORE SEX.

2)  To avoid fatigue and depression, HAVE SEX.

3)  To lower my blood pressure and prevent night sweats, STOP TAKING VITAMINS.

4)  To achieve maximum health, TAKE VITAMINS.

5)  Watch weight loss, but avoid all sugar and increase exercise by 75%.

6)  Buy tool to trim hair – don’t pluck – and use for landscaping, which will increase ability to find sexual partner.

I think that covers it… hey, doctors orders!!!!

Copyrighted by reflectionsbypj 2009/10/03

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7 thoughts on “Doctors Orders

  1. I think this is the funniest thing you’ve ever written. TOTALLY worth the nutso doctor for the amusement it brings your readers! 🙂

  2. heh heh – time to get another doctor. (and I thought I had some kooks)

    normally I would say get your chart from the old doctor – but in this case probably best to start fresh. Maybe the labwork.
    BTW – sounds like perimenopause – which can start young (mary had it early).
    http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/guide-perimenopause

    anyway, the dr is a quack and if you have a way to report her as a quack do so.

  3. I could hear this story over and over again and I’d still pee my pants laughing! Can I have your doctors number so I can see her for this problem? I want a prescription from her too, hahaha!

  4. Pingback: One Night Stand or Commitment « Reflections by Pj

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