May 5, 2011
Today was my first free day – semester over. Because I’m taking summer classes, I decided to forgo sleeping and instead, catch up with friends, try new places, and run errands. While I’m thrilled that this semester is over, I’m sadden at the difficulties it presented, not just schooling but other personal difficulties, as I found my grades lacking. The grades weren’t horrible, but they certainly weren’t my best.
My social life has, for-the-most-part, fallen to the wayside. Though I would argue that it is not necessarily all my doings. Not that long ago I learned that a friend was spending time on Friday’s for herself, which often included but wasn’t limited to, writing. One of her escape places was a place I’d never heard of and I wanted to check the place out for myself, after all of her praises.
But, as I was on my way to the location, I found myself asking the question, “Am I here because she was here? Or am I here because I want to be here?” In other words, was I longing to be like her or was I being true to myself.
Over the past six months, I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting, specifically on who I am – what burns within me, for me. Am I doing this or that because another is doing it or am I being true to myself?
One of the things I’ve learned over the years is to be what others think I should be or want me to be. What I’m since learning is to unlearn those behaviors and decide for myself what I want to do or become. While I believe that those around us influence our lives, even – at times, the choices we make, I don’t believe that this is a bad thing, unless we are allowing it to crowd out being true to ourselves – when we become a carbon copy rather than an original.
I don’t ever want to be a copy rather; I want to walk in truth, always being true to myself.
What I’ve discovered, while walking in truth, is that I’m always changing. Discovering wrongs that need to be righted or even a passion that needs wings. I’ve been doing a lot of talking to a therapist these days for recovery issues – old habits must die if the new habits are to flourish. She suggested I try something, which has taken me some time to adjust my thinking and prepare. Today I tried what she said and it didn’t turn out as planned. I don’t know if anything will come of it but she suggested I try again.
While I landed at The Perch today, from a friend’s suggestive influence, I find myself perched, watching and waiting… ready to try again.