May 5, 2011 

Today was my first free day – semester over. Because I’m taking summer classes, I decided to forgo sleeping and instead, catch up with friends, try new places, and run errands. While I’m thrilled that this semester is over, I’m sadden at the difficulties it presented, not just schooling but other personal difficulties, as I found my grades lacking. The grades weren’t horrible, but they certainly weren’t my best.

My social life has, for-the-most-part, fallen to the wayside. Though I would argue that it is not necessarily all my doings. Not that long ago I learned that a friend was spending time on Friday’s for herself, which often included but wasn’t limited to, writing. One of her escape places was a place I’d never heard of and I wanted to check the place out for myself, after all of her praises.

But, as I was on my way to the location, I found myself asking the question, “Am I here because she was here? Or am I here because I want to be here?” In other words, was I longing to be like her or was I being true to myself.

Over the past six months, I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting, specifically on who I am – what burns within me, for me. Am I doing this or that because another is doing it or am I being true to myself?

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is to be what others think I should be or want me to be. What I’m since learning is to unlearn those behaviors and decide for myself what I want to do or become. While I believe that those around us influence our lives, even – at times, the choices we make, I don’t believe that this is a bad thing, unless we are allowing it to crowd out being true to ourselves – when we become a carbon copy rather than an original.

I don’t ever want to be a copy rather; I want to walk in truth, always being true to myself.

What I’ve discovered, while walking in truth, is that I’m always changing. Discovering wrongs that need to be righted or even a passion that needs wings. I’ve been doing a lot of talking to a therapist these days for recovery issues – old habits must die if the new habits are to flourish. She suggested I try something, which has taken me some time to adjust my thinking and prepare. Today I tried what she said and it didn’t turn out as planned. I don’t know if anything will come of it but she suggested I try again.

While I landed at The Perch today, from a friend’s suggestive influence, I find myself perched, watching and waiting… ready to try again.


6 thoughts on “Influence

  1. Remember, just because it doesn’t work at first does not mean your true self will not benefit from it. It might be that it’s not God’s timing. I have found in my walk the hardest thing to do is “waiting” on God’s timing.

    He is transforming you, my friend! Be patient with yourself. Love yourself. Don’t forget to “bask” in the precious moments of this time in your life. Love ya!

    Definition of “bask” — to expose oneself pleasantly to warmth: as he basked in the sun; often figuratively, as, he basked in her favor.

    • God’s timing is never my timing, we are on two totally different time zones, ha! I love the transforming process – though painful and blinding, there is a sense of hope. I love your word choice, “bask”… I will absolutely take that advice!

  2. Being true to yourself is so hard! We are always torn between influence both good and bad, because nobody is a self-made man/woman. It is a delicate balance and one that must always be reevaluated. Sometimes we do something because it was suggested, and other times because we just want to be like everyone else. The older I get (I’m soooo old) the more I find that being myself is more rewarding. I wouldn’t go back to high school days for all the money in the world! Oddly though, being true to yourself has more judgement as you get older. When you are young, you just get ousted to the nerd crowd. When you are older, you get labeled as backwards or liberal (gasp!) or not good enough to be a mom/woman/student/wife/fill in the blank. Just some thoughts you brought up…

    You are amazing just as you are, and amazing as you change.

    • My soooo old wise friend,

      Your words are so wonderfully written/said, and so full of truth. Thankful for your thoughts, thankful for your encouragement, and thankful for you.

      The older yet not so wiser.

  3. YES! I’m on a similar discovery. While on my run the other morning, God showed me snapshots of my past experiences. I was again encouraged that most great life changes came after a season of solitude. He restored hope once again.

    I love you friend and have not stopped my prayers for you. You are always so close to my heart!

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