It has been some time since I’ve done any writing, at least two years now since I sent out an email with this title. Let alone the fact that my ‘writing’ has ceased.
I’ve got nothin’.
To say that my journey the last two years has been exciting, would be a complete misuse, underuse really, of the word. With every thrill came a scuffed knee, a cut – a scar. Yet, each thrill, too, a treasured memory – a silver box containing a lesson learned, an experience never forgotten, a life filled with stories.
This upcoming semester would traditionally mark my “1/2 way there” status – Junior. YAY! What an accomplishment. What an experience. What a nightmare!
I have decided to extend my schooling another year, making my graduation date May 2014, instead of May 2013. This has been a hard decision. Until yesterday, I viewed this choice not an option as it represented failure. Let me just say, there is nothing like freedom from the lies that hold you prisoner in your mind.
When you’re use to being social butterfly, loving people, helping people, simply being around people in servant fashion and suddenly all social life is hence no more, you bring on guilt – sadly, you can lose yourself. I’ve found myself no longer being able to be the person that ministers as He leads, rather an empty shell… it’s as if I’m Humpty Dumpty BUT the King’s men were able to put me back together, only they forgot the insides – I’m just a shell with arms and legs, and possibly a head.
People are always asking me how I balance everything. I dumped everything – leadership roles, friends, groups, more friends, responsibilities, even more friends, and finally my kids.
Did you know that for every 50-minute class you’re in, you ‘should’ spend 2 hours in homework? I’ve been carrying 18 credit hours – 6 classes. Add work. Add kids’ schedule – not kids. Church. Now add house responsibilities – remember single. Okay, now add the kids. My kids and church should not be an ‘add to’ category. This is not healthy. Granted, there are times when I’m in my writing stages that I’m disconnected, however never for overly long stretches at a time.
In spite of my emptiness, God is working. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow – often reminding me via my yesterday that I have hope in this moment. He has been gracious, providing my every need, in more ways than I’m able to recall. He has begun my ministry – this year alone I’ve already spoken at two events, outside of church, to over 300 people sharing the story of His amazing grace. He has provided me a job that works with my school schedule and is stress free – only one minute from home. He has me and I am His, indeed.
It is in this past week that I realize that if I’m ever going to have the strength to do what He’s leading me to do, then I must believe, first, that’s He’s leading me and that second, He will provide the strength, only if I stop and ask it of Him. Maurice (some of you know him, some do not) taught me in his living and in his dying what is to know God, hear God, and live for God. My friend wasn’t perfect, but he did leave our last conversation as a stepping-stone into what God is doing, within me and around me. Like a mighty rushing wind – let it overflow.
My roadblocks are not over, they are still around the corner – waiting. Lessening my school load will not prevent the hurdles or pitfalls. It will however give me the time I need to feed my soul and be the person that He is calling me to be, for me and for my children. My plans are not His plans. James 4:13-16 tells me to hold my plans loosely, God will adjust them.
Here’s to adjustments!